Performance car envy

This morning on my way down the North Dallas Tollway I began to change lanes when in my side mirror I caught the blur of something flying. The silver streak caught the morning sunlight as it zoomed toward me in the center lane.

In sheer appreciation, I watched as what I now understood to be a late model Mercedes C230 zoomed toward me. I paused to watch as it caught up to me and thought it would be slowed down by the traffic that was hampering my own progress. Not so! In moves that are generally acommpanied by disclamer statements such as "stunt driver on a closed course. do not attempt", the sweet ride flowed to the right and left and right again in as graceful a zig zag as I have ever seen.

The Mercedes lane jumped cutting in and out back and forth again and again. It dodged the myriad of SUVs, sedans, and sports cars cluttering the tollway as smoothly as a hawk gliding on updrafts on a lazy summer day.

Though lane jumpers generally piss me off as a rule, I could be nothing but amazed as I watched this car do what it so obviously was built to do - perform. I could not muster angry feelings as I simply appreciated seeing something doing what it was designed to do. I suppose that is the way God must feel when we are using our minds, talents, and gifts in the way He intended. To be as graceful as a performance car on a spring morning would be something. Something that would scream, "I am built for His pleasure and will perform as I was intended to perform".

Yea though I walk...

...through the valley of the shadow of death

That pretty much sums it up. The kids are both gone to relatives' houses. I can't help wondering how they are. I miss them so much - do they miss me?

What a wreck of a day. There are hundreds of songs, stories, and poems that have a central theme of "If I had only known we only had one more day..." Well, we knew, and let me tell you, it did not make it any easier. I can only pray that I never again have to experience the heartache of letting a child go.

One last kiss, one last cuddle, the so soft hair, the insanely soft skin on his neck. I just have to keep going and keep believing with every fiber of my being that God has a fabulous plan for them and for us.

So no more death and dreariness. Every single human being has something terrible happen to them - sometimes several times. But the testament to the human condition is that we continue. We get up, dust ourselves off and go on.

So, walk with me out of the shadow and let God's rod and staff comfort us. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities for life, love, and happiness.

Let me talk to someone...please!

When I was young and smug I could not understand why people complained about the IVR systems in place at most big companies. I mean what's the big deal? Just listen to the questions and enter your response - couldn't be simpler right? WRONG!

Now that I have a 2 year old and 6 month old taking every spare second I have, I cannot imagine how I ever tolerated listening to the electronic voice present me with a seemingly endless array of choices. The biggest offender lately has been the bank that holds my mortgage loan. I am not a banking customer at Chevy Chase Bank - nor will I ever be now. This limits the entries that I can make drastically as the only two options are to enter your checking account number or your ATM card number - of which I have neither. One time I navigated through to the loan department only to get a lady's voice mail! I kid you not! All I want is a human to answer my question - that's not so much to ask is it?

With kids, I have a limited amount of time available and that time that I do have the kids are generally demanding my attention in the background. This means that invariably I miss some of the choices I can make and have to listen to the whole thing over again. It's particularly annoying to miss options and then re-miss options again! Arggggh!

I try pressing "0" anytime I am confronted with one of these systems, but that does not always work. Good news though! I found a link in today's news articles on MSN to Paul English's cheat sheet. Check it out! It has the cheats for beating the systems at many of the most frequently called companies. Whoo hoo! Sadly, Chevy Chase Bank is missing from the cheat sheet. :( If I ever figure out how to beat it, I will be sure to add it to the list. So, I start 2006 penniless, not so smug, and complaining. What's new?

90 miles an hour

Isn't that how we all live our lives? At 90 MPH? I feel like I run from early morning to late at night with no stopping for breaks! But would I be as happy if I was running slower? Who's to know?

The kids are still with us and it is looking very positive that we may get to adopt them. Christmas was insane. What a fun time! I can't believe all the gifts they got. Everyone got them a gift! We decided to hold some back for good rewards later.

Fina is a ball! She's 2 1/2 and very typically 2 1/2. Everything's about her - and shouldn't it be? We've started a new phase (I call it hell - lol) where she screams when she's frustrated instead of telling us what she wants or doesn't want. Ah, the joys of parenting... But the joyful part is that she has the best sense of humor. We were teaching her the difference between little and big and asked her what Lacy says (Lacy's our friend's very small beagle). Appropriately, Fina responds "woof, woof" in a tiny voice. Then I asked her what Haley (our large German Shep mix) says. Fina (totally deadpan) says "Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof" in a super loud bluesy voice. We all just cracked up - now she's doing it all the time.

Simon's my babydoll. He's almost 7 months old now. There's nothing more depressing than watching time fly while your baby is growing so darn fast. We got him a Pack 'n Play playpen diaper changing combo thingy. When I change his diaper, I often lean over and kiss his cheeks. He smiles so big and laughs out loud. What a sweet, sweet sound that is. What a heartbreak (but in a good way)...

Jeff leaves for a month in Ireland on the 3rd. I shall probably go insane by the time he returns. Prozac here I come... It happens to be our busy time at Fellowship Tech as well. Why wouldn't it be? Yieee! But like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. And onward, full speed ahead.

Kids, kids, glorious kids

It's been a long time, but you'll have to excuse me - I have kids now! They are in my house temporarily, but not going anywhere in the forseeable future. Yippee! and Aieee! all at the same time.

I love having the kids at home, but I just have to say I have never worked so hard in all my life. The work isn't such a big deal, it's having to always be "on". You have to listen and respond and try not to be flip. The 2 1/2 year old repeats everything we say, which we knew theoretically would happen, but the reality is frightening!

The baby is an absolute joy. We are nearly at the point where he is sleeping through the night. Most nights he makes it to about 5:30ish. I have had a cough lately, so I think that's been waking him. What a doll! His smile could melt the hardest heart and his laugh turns my knees to jelly.

What fun we are having learning to be kids again. Now we just need to learn how to mix husband and wife time with the family time. There doesn't seem to be enough time for "us" but I know we need to make it. I don't want to be one of those people whose marriage is all about the kids so there's nothing to talk about when the kids are gone.

Anyway, the next decision will be on Nov. 21 when the aunt goes to court to try and get custody of Simon (the baby). We are all hoping that doesn't happen. Fina, Jeff and I will just miss him terribly. I have tears now thinking about it. God knows what He's doing though and we'll just wait to see what happens.

Go Google Video

Wow! I know I'm so behind times from most of you techies, but I have been recently visiting and using some of the programs in Google labs. Tonight I investigated Google Video, which will allow searching for video and TV shows.

The media viewer is still a bit grainy but the streaming content absolutely rocks. I am on high-speed DSL from SBC Yahoo, but this is faster than anything I have streamed before. Normally, there are those occassional hiccups where the player has to catch up with the content. Not in this case.

Additionally, I'm so impressed with the content that came up. The first choice was Chris Forbes "Using Guerilla Marketing in Internet Evangelism". Check it out if you have a chance. It's over 1 hour, but really good if you're interested in marketing your church web site.

Simon & Josie

The parents of Simon & Josie had a court date today to determine custody of the minor children. Their mother tested positive for drugs again, but luck was on her side. The kids' grandmother and aunt came to court today. The grandmother has agreed to take Josie along with her three older siblings. The aunt will take Simon.

They must go through the process of having a home study, but it's a sure thing the grandmother will pass as she already has the three oldest children. The aunt is the wild card.

This means that we will have Josie for about 7 days and Simon for about a month. I have been crying all day though I don't know why. This is good for the kids. They will be with family that will love them. I am crying for my loss because I already love them. It was impossible not to - they are God's precious gifts.

I'm not sure if I can keep doing this. I have a whole new respect for foster families. They must get their hearts ripped out continually. They say it will be easier after this first time. I'm doubtful of that.

In hindsight, I set myself up for this disappointment. They were so perfect and fit right in with our family. I just assumed they would be able to stay when that wasn't the case at all.

Waiting again

So we're waiting again. That seems to be the name of the game when trying to adopt. We had two kids in our house this weekend who will possibly be available for adoption at the end of this month. They were more precious than I can explain.

It's so weird how my life is changing. I would never have expected to want children and to want to stay home and raise those children. But after having them in the house, well it's almost a no-brainer. I totally love these kids and they may not even be available to me.

It's strange how fast it happened, too. It took me several months to warm up to my dog who I love to pieces now. But it took me about 20 minutes to fall in love with these two babies.

The story is that the kids parents are on trial for growing drugs with the intent to distribute (marajuana). Also, both kids tested positive for alcohol and drugs at birth so that is a strike against them, too. In 12 days they will meet with a judge again for his/her final ruling. It's sad to wish anyone ill, but I so wish they would lose custody.

It kills me that these people had two precious gifts from God and chose to go down such a destructive path. I know they must really regret it now that the kids aren't with them, but they made a choice and it had consequences.

I am trusting in God that He will provide the best for these kids. They deserve it.

Falling in love

No one every said it would be easy, but I don't think in my wildest dreams I could have ever imagined it being this tough. We took care of two small children this weekend while their foster family was away. They were absolutely adorable, sweet, and the easiest kids I have ever watched before. So what's my complaint?

I didn't expect to love them so much...I had them for such a small time - about 28.5 hours. I can still smell the baby's formula. It's bittersweet.

On sinuses, a Texas sunset, and being a homemaker

So I've been dealing with allergies lately. Hasn't everyone? It's just that time of year. This year's nasal saga seems to have taken it to a new level. Can't breath, can't see out of my right eye, and I can't sleep.

Monday night I work late because I feel like I will go insane waiting for the adoption paperwork to come through and dealing with these sniffles. It's after 7:30 and the cleaning crew comes in. That ticks me off because I really didn't intend to work that late. I'm waiting for my PC to synchronize with our network and shut down when I happen to take a moment to look outside.

God might have cursed Texas with a blistering summer, but He completely made up for it with the fall and spring sunsets. Monday night's was just phenomenal. It was like Disney gone mad all up in the sky and it literally brought tears to my eyes. It made me say "Oh yeah" to answer the question of why I live in a state where it stays over 100 F for most of the summer and doesn't rain for weeks on end. "Oh yeah - keep bringing me those sunsets."

And all of this woe is me and I'm so blessed culminated tonight when I got to catch up on Monday's Oprah. (I know Lisa, perhaps it is a cult, but even you would have loved this one.) Faith Hill was on touting her new CD Fireflies. Turns out three of the songs, including the title track, were written by a stay-at-home mom with 5 kids. She got married at 19 and began having children. Her oldest is 16 and the youngest is 1. She wrote Fireflies to remind herself that she is allowed to dream. And boy did her dream come true!

So in a round about way through bad health, a childlike wonder when I see a sunset, and a reminder that stay-at-home doesn't equal dead, God reminds me that I am His and He is in control of it all. Thank God!

On waiting for adoption licensing...

Ok, I'm not much good at waiting period. I admit it, it's a flaw of mine. I've always been one to jump right in and get going. So this waiting is really killing me.

The worst thing about the waiting is that it gives the neurosis time to kick in. Questions pepper me all the time...Will I be a good mother? Does God even want me to be a mother? Is there time to back out?

It's all silly stuff brought on by the stress of waiting and the stress of hearing that Brian may no longer be available. He's the baby that got us started with the whole adoption process. Upon our first meeting, Brian grabbed my heart and wouldn't let go - in fact he's still there and will probably hold a place there for the rest of my life.

I'm so thankful that some lucky family has decided to adopt him, but I'm also jealous. I had seen him as my son - our son. But I know that I must always be thankful for our chance meeting. He fully opened a door God has been trying to fling wide for years.

So I'll wait, and I won't be neurotic anymore. God had a plan, He executed on it, and I'll follow through with it knowing that He's backing me up 100%. He has the perfect child for my family just waiting even now to come home with us.

On Lost and other new TV...

Wow! This season's TV lineup is either sci-fi, horror, or crime. And then there's Lost. I don't know about you, but I've never been hooked on a show like this. I think about it all week wondering what in the world is going on. What's the deal with Desmond? Is the other half of the plane still there? "We're going to have a Locke problem..."

The space invasion shows Invasion and Threshold. Hmmm... while not exactly new territory, the way its being approached in these new series is at least a little refreshing. "Mommy, you smell different" just gives you chills no matter who you are. :)

And then the horror shows headlined by some of TVs best eye candy. Night Stalker was a bit uneventful, but Stuart Townsend, well, there's nothing else to say about that but see you next week.

So my brain is slowly polluting with network drivel, but as stressed as we've been lately perhaps we deserve a few mindless hours of escapism. Anyway, cheers to TV this season with shows that, if not life changing, at least engage your brain and imagination a bit.

On getting older...

It's a bittersweet thing getting older. Sure you have great wisdom and a wealth of experience, but why does your body have to fail?

We lost my grandfather in April. He had been living on borrowed time thanks to the wonderdrugs that scrubbed his arteries and kept the blood flowing, but that does not comfort in the face of the reality of him not being here.

We spent the weekend with my grandmother for her first birthday in 62 years without my grandfather. She was happy to have her family around her, but missing my grandfather. That in itself was sort of weird since their past 10 years together seemed to be more harping than happy. Still, there's comfort in just having someone there. My grandmother admits that she's very lonely sometimes even though she has a large group of friends. She asked my sister to move down and though it sounded like a joke, I know she meant it in some part of her subconcious.

For me, the worst thing was opening the closet door and seeing my grandfather's hat on the top shelf. It's one of those old-school felt hats with the band and the cocky little feather. I can see him in it.

I guess Lisa is feeling like me today - I hate gray eyebrows and hair too!

On home studies

Having a home study is akin to interviewing for a job you really want and being totally unprepared. The counselor just left and our home study is complete. Wrung out, strung out, and emotionally drained is how you could describe us tonight.

Why is it that when making the most important life-changing decisions, we fail to take the most basic things into account? Like - would we adopt a medically fragile child? (no way to know how long the child may live) Would we accept a medically challenged child? (if so, what type of medical problem?)

Yah! Well, of course we want a healthy child, but how do you say "no" to a child no matter what his condition is? If we had been blessed enough to have a biological child, his or her health would have been a crap shoot, too. There are no guarantees with kids...

But it's over now and we must wait again. We keep iterating that we know God has the perfect child picked out for us... What does that mean and what may that mean to a change in our lives?

Baby boy or baby girl, we want you so much and are looking so forward to meeting you. Know that if you don't know anything else. We trust God and know He has a perfect plan for us.